SURPRISE!!!!

What kid wants candles on a watermelon?

My daughter recently told me that there was nothing I could do that would surprise her. 

NOTHING???

• What if I left to do a Walkabout with the Aborigines? 
• Became a groupie following Justin Bieber, Mylie Cyrus or Barry Manilow?
• Ran for Senate?
• Changed my name to Rolf?
• Trained for a marathon and ate healthily?
• Started skydiving, extreme motocross or cockfighting?
• Joined the Merchant Marine?
• Paid a homeless man to pose as a wealthy tycoon named Rex Sterling.  Then had "Sexy Rexy" con and seduce my arch enemy?
• Began watching popular stuff like: the Bachelor, Cougar Town or Sports?
• Embarked on a career as any of the following:  policewoman, monster truck driver, baby seal hunter, contractor, slaughterhouse employee, bus, truck or cab driver, manager,  pilot, mathematician, CEO, surgeon,  accountant, engineer,  the list goes on and on...
• Underwent plastic surgery to change my identity and look like David Hasselhoff.

Nope, I tried it all, and she's still not shocked by anything I do. 

I wonder how she will feel when I tell her I found her in a dumpster at my prom? 

A Mother's Love

Mom with Me

My Mother has been gone for many years now, but I still miss her.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of my Mom.  No one loves so unconditionally as a Mother does.  Countless times over the years, I have wished I could pick up the phone and call my Mom just to talk or to get advice on simple how-tos. 

Mom Holding Me

Well, guess what?  Finally, after all these years I have found a new Mom!  Sure, she's not as loving and pretty as my real Mom was.  My new Mom is saucy, sassy and somewhat shocking.  Not only does she help me, but she helps millions of other souls out there.  She's quite a giver, you see.  You might have heard of her.  Her name is:  The Internet, aka The World Wide Web...but I call her...Mom. 

 

Wanna know how get a stain out?  My Mom, The Internet knows.  Have a question about the proper way to sew on a button?  My new Mom has all the answers.  Need a recipe for making a white sauce?  She'll show you a million different ways to do it.


You may ask:

Do my new Mom and I have fun together?   You better believe it!  We can go shopping together right in the comfort of my own home!

Can I show up anytime and lounge around on her couch?   No, but I can lounge around on my own couch and talk to her all I want.   "Hi Mom!  Time to watch Oprah together!" 

Bailey sitting on his Grandma's lap.

Can I eat food out of her fridge?   No.   But Mom will help me order food.

Can we go out for coffee together?   Yes!!!  Starbucks it is, Mom!  We can even go to lunch at Panera! 

Will she take my kid to school or babysit?   No?   I don't have a small child, so who cares.  Anyway, she spends lots of time with my adult daughter and her Grand dog.

Will she be there for me anytime?   Well, yeah, unless the power goes out. Indeed, what human could ever be there for someone 24/7?  This Mom won't be around if I become destitute and homeless, which is perfectly understandable.  Why should that sweet lady have to endure the embarrassment of being around a kid who is that much of a loser?

Will she worry about me and give me advice?   Mom's not much of a worrier, but she's got advice out the wazoo if I ask. 

Does my new Mom remember my birthday?   Yes.

How about the events on the day of my birth?  Not the details, and anyway who wants that?  My real Mom almost died having me. 

Does my new Mom remember all my childhood antics?  No.  But she remembers all my recent antics forever somewhere in her sweet, loving hard drive.

Grandma loves her little Grand dog!

(Oh yeah....and Al Gore claims to have invented my Mom ) 

RIP OFF!

Hey beeotch, I think it's "Karen Conner BAD ASS!!!"

I can't believe Shannen Doherty stole the title I was going to use for my memoirs....for her new book, "Bad Ass."

I'm way more bad ass than that little title thief.   Here are some examples of my bad girl ways:

1.  I have a long standing fine of $3.55 at the library.

2.  When my husband goes in to buy me a coffee, I say to him...."Don't come back unless it's a large iced Hazelnut, extra, extra light with cream and sugar just like I ordered it."   (I don't even want to see your face until then.)

3. If you mess with me I might complain to a close family member about what you've done. I might even go so far as to send a disapproving glance your way....when you're not looking.

Come on, this is way more bad ass than being mean to people on the set of 90210!!!

This title thievery is an abomination!  It isn't the first time it has happened to me either.  It happened back in '07 when Donald Trump stole my idea with his book, "Think Big and Kick Ass."  That's been my mantra for years!  I'm gonna give these thieves a piece of my mind...probably not though.

Wouldn't you rather read, "THINK BIG AND KICK ASS...In Dog Cuddling and Life?"